To Grow Up

 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

1 Corinthians 13:11

Recently, my boss told me that everything is good in my life, I only have this problem that I refuse to grow up. And I replied (rather in jest) that why should I hurry to grow up, I am only but 24.

Perhaps it is the pre-wedding jitters, the stress of home ownership (plus the renovation and furnishing costs), I find myself actively resisting growing up and being mature about things; and missing things that I should not miss anymore. I find myself constantly thinking thoughts of regret, and what-ifs (which I admit is highly unproductive, and not to mention negative)

Many a times, I find myself wishing that I was flying again – or rather, shopping and sight-seeing, carefree. I analysed what I miss about flying. And I find myself thinking of London, Melbourne, Sydney, Shanghai – locations that we often flew to. I think what I miss most is the unique sense of feeling at home in a foreign city. We go to these destinations so often that they become like second, or third homes to us. I like how I can navigate through the towns we live in with so much ease, and how we know where particular shops are. Even today, I can remember the streets of Melbourne, London and can navigate through them in my mind. Throw me in that area again, and I am very sure I will find my way around – just like how I find my way around my own neighborhood.

In other instances, I find myself wishing to delay my wedding, and marriage. Not quite the excited bride. It is ironic, I used to be so dead sure that this is what I wanted – and I thought this is the perfect dream – young couple starting out life together, and building a nest for ourselves. I was certain that I will be fulfilled. Friends praised me for my level-headedness – I preached pragmatism, and anti-melodrama. But now, when at the brink of getting all that I always wanted, I suddenly doubt if what I dreamed for was really what I wanted. Perhaps, it would be better to stay single, enjoy a typical single, income-earning individual’s benefits – shopping, dining, leisure and socializing. Suddenly, I think I don’t want to be boughed down so early on with all these responsibilities. I find myself calculating the costs for calling off everything – the downpayment for bridal studio, wedding banquet (and omg), the house. They sometimes seem like traps that I cannot get out of.

It is terrible, I know. (My thoughts are terrible, not my situation)

But I also know that these are just childish thoughts and ways that I have to put away. I preached about adapting to changes – and I need to preach to myself too, and encourage myself. I have been thinking about maturity, responsibility and what does it really mean for me to grow up in this season. I haven’t quite found the answer, hopefully, I will find it soon. But perhaps the first step is to let go, and move on. Perhaps, it was not the best of ideas to quit the airlines so hurriedly, and to dash into marriage. But whatever the case, what I have in my hands right now is not the worst of situations. I have a good job now, I am marrying a great guy. And I can use whatever I have right now, and make it better than what I gave up. I need to lead and direct changes in my own life.

All things work together for good to the those who love the Lord

This is my faith.

(I have blogged very frankly about things – but I don’t think I am in an actual crisis or anything, only a crisis in my thoughts or rather a hiccup in my thought life that I need to get over)

 

Sing O Barren

Isaiah 54

A Perpetual Covenant of Peace

 ¹ “Sing, O barren,
      You who have not borne! 
      Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, 
      You who have not labored with child! 
      For more are the children of the desolate 
      Than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD. 
       ² “ Enlarge the place of your tent, 
      And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; 
      Do not spare; 
      Lengthen your cords, 
      And strengthen your stakes. 
       ³ For you shall expand to the right and to the left, 
      And your descendants will inherit the nations, 
      And make the desolate cities inhabited. 
       ⁴ “ Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; 
      Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; 
      For you will forget the shame of your youth, 
      And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. 
       ⁵ For your Maker is your husband, 
      The LORD of hosts is His name; 
      And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; 
      He is called the God of the whole earth. 
       ⁶ For the LORD has called you 
      Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, 
      Like a youthful wife when you were refused,” 
      Says your God. 
       ⁷ “ For a mere moment I have forsaken you, 
      But with great mercies I will gather you. 
       ⁸ With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; 
      But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” 
      Says the LORD, your Redeemer. 
       ⁹ “ For this is like the waters of Noah to Me; 
      For as I have sworn 
      That the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth, 
      So have I sworn 
      That I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you. 
       ¹⁰ For the mountains shall depart 
      And the hills be removed, 
      But My kindness shall not depart from you, 
      Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed,” 
      Says the LORD, who has mercy on you. 
       ¹¹ “ O you afflicted one, 
      Tossed with tempest, and not comforted, 
      Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, 
      And lay your foundations with sapphires. 
       ¹² I will make your pinnacles of rubies, 
      Your gates of crystal, 
      And all your walls of precious stones. 
       ¹³ All your children shall be taught by the LORD, 
      And great shall be the peace of your children. 
       ¹⁴ In righteousness you shall be established; 
      You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; 
      And from terror, for it shall not come near you. 
       ¹⁵ Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. 
      Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake. 
       ¹⁶ “ Behold, I have created the blacksmith 
      Who blows the coals in the fire, 
      Who brings forth an instrument for his work; 
      And I have created the spoiler to destroy. 
       ¹⁷ No weapon formed against you shall prosper, 
      And every tongue which rises against you in judgment 
      You shall condemn. 
      This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, 
      And their righteousness is from Me,” 
      Says the LORD.

I Choose Love

Since the move into Suntec Convention, our church has been talking about “Choose Love” – it is an appropriate theme in a season when it seems so many past hurts, bitterness, and misunderstanding come to the surface. It is really a time to say that I choose to love, despite it all.

Someone once asked me what do I think is my purpose in life, and I replied that I want to be a living example and encouragement for people to lay down their lives for the house of God. The house of God is the body of Christ, literally. And I believe that it is very difficult for someone to say that he loves God but not the house of God. Since being a young Christian, I felt strongly about sacrificing, defending, and building the house of God.. I always tell my cell group members that it is worth it to lay down your life to build His House.

So choosing love.. what or who do we choose to love. I think we choose to love the house of God – the vision that built this house and will continue to build the house. We choose to love the leaders in this house because they are our spiritual covering, and we choose to love our brothers & sisters in this house.

I must admit that prior to yesterday’s prayer meeting, I had a very shallow understanding of “Choose Love” but in the midst of the prayer meeting, I felt so strongly that it is a very high calling, to be put together as a cell group, as a zone, as a church to build God’s House. And it is not something that we should so easily put as under, despise or throw it away because of the differences we have. Don’t forget the God-factor in the forming of every cell group, zone and church – it is really not by chance.

To choose love – is to tolerate and give grace; to cover a multitude of sins; to overlook the shortcomings and brag about the strength; to extol and to encourage. It is not to backstab; it is not to discredit and despise; it is not to be self-righteous and definitely not a false sense of concern. It is to humble yourself and serve.. not just serve the pastors and leaders, those that are highly edified and presentable, but also to serve the weak, and the least presentable (or the most annoying, unloving, uncool, haha.)

I pray that as my cell group grows up, transit and develop their personality, career and opinions and lives, we will continue to choose to love one another. I pray that my zone members, people I grow up with in the church, will always remain united. I pray that I will always choose love instead of being quick to criticize and being a cynic.

The unity of the church, the zone, the cell group is WORTH fighting for, defending at all cost. And our weapons are faith, peace, and love. So let us fight the good fight, and in Pastor Kong’s words, stand shoulder to shoulder and build this great sanctuary for our great God!

Between a rock and a hard place

Just reminded of this phrase somehow, and googled to find MSG Bible translation of Isaiah 43

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place

 ^1-4 But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

 ^5-7“So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.
I’ll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I’ll send orders north and south:
‘Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.’”

 ^8-13Get the blind and deaf out here and ready—
the blind (though there’s nothing wrong with their eyes)
and the deaf (though there’s nothing wrong with their ears).
Then get the other nations out here and ready.
Let’s see what they have to say about this,
how they account for what’s happened.
Let them present their expert witnesses
and make their case;
let them try to convince us what they say is true.
“But you are my witnesses.” God’s Decree.
“You’re my handpicked servant
So that you’ll come to know and trust me,
understand both that I am and who I am.
Previous to me there was no such thing as a god,
nor will there be after me.
I, yes I, am God.
I’m the only Savior there is.
I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed
long before these upstart gods appeared on the scene.
And you know it, you’re my witnesses,
you’re the evidence.” God’s Decree.
“Yes, I am God.
I’ve always been God
and I always will be God.
No one can take anything from me.
I make; who can unmake it?”

Really quite beautiful.

***

Seriously, sometimes I think I have come to a point where I can’t find the words or the heart to express all that I am feeling. At times I feel lost, most times, I feel really lonely somehow. Caught in between a rock and a hard place and trapped alone. But the beautiful thing must be that through it all, I am constantly reminded of God’s goodness in my life. Goodness and mercy that are too tangible to deny. His presence is also my greatest comfort now. I keep crying in the presence of God, but there and then when I am pouring out my heart, and tears, I know God is still there.

***

The threefold cord of a lasting relationship: when human love has ran dry, it is when God’s love will set in.

Why “Bubbly”?

It has been so long since I last blogged! I hope I still can manage grammatically correct sentences! Anyway, since then much much has happened. Many new cities travelled, many more flying experience, but the greatest highlight must be that I am now blogging as an engaged lady!

The proposal was the most romantic thing that has ever happened in my life. I used to worry incessantly (and unnecessarily) about the what-ifs. And one of the what-ifs I used to think about was: what-if the proposal turns out to be boring, expected, unthoughtful and unromantic. And even when our relationship was developing till a point where the proposal was almost becoming inevitable, I still worried! And so I had to constantly tell myself then that there are somethings you can’t control, but God being a good God will make all things beautiful.

And thank God, it was really, really beautiful. Without any tinge of exaggeration, I say to you that the proposal was just simply perfect.

From how it was supposed to be a birthday surprise for him and how the tables were turned around, to the fake argument my couple friends put up to distract me (and kill all my hopes and expectations for the night); from the whole roof-top setting on a cool night, to the French home-cooked food; from the humongous bouquet that weighed a ton, to the beautiful flower decorations – orchids and white roses! Oh, oh, and the 200 helium balloons that floated up the “Will you marry me” was just so “Up” (one of our favorite movies!)…Everything was perfect! (: and all my favourite people in the world were there to celebrate the moment, and I just felt like royalty that night.

And of course, Terence played the guitar and sang the songs. He gave a really short explanation about why “Bubbly” is a special song to us. Something about how he sent me the song on MSN, and how I blogged about it. But you will never find the blog entries here, because they are hidden away at my other private LJ blog. But for the sake of romance, and good story-telling, and to prove to you that I really had a fairytale-like romance, here are all the “Bubbly” blog posts:

(ps: when I blogged those, he was  still’chasing’ me.. Think all the gushy, head over heels type infatuation feelings!)

it starts from my toes

• Oct. 1st, 2008 at 5:09 AM

time flies when I am talking to you. 

yesterday it was one and a half hours on the phone, today is two an d a half hours.

I feel like a teenager, awake at 5am because I have been on the phone for too long.

I think…I am falling in love. (:

Daddy’s Girl

Oct. 1st, 2008 at 2:41 PM

T asked if I am daddy’s girl. I think I am. 

Last night, Dad found out that I was on the phone till late since he woke up to watch the man-u match.

This morning I was able by some miracle to be up by 9am. I was swinging myself through the kitchen into the washroom and I saw dad sitting by the kitchen table doing some cooking related/preparatory thing. He was accusatory and stern faced, “you can wake up? You were up till four this morning!” (he didn’t know it was actually 5am)

I giggled, stooped low and sang into his ear,
“it starts from my toes”,
straightened myself and continued my giggling to self, swinging into the washroom.

I think daddy knows (:

oh man, i keep (: this 2 days. and he called again this afternoon.. heh!

we should shoot a movie

Oct. 9th, 2008 at 5:34 PM

Today, we went out properly for the first time. actually not quite properly either. You came to pick me up from school during my 2hours break and we escaped to JALAN SULTAN for your famed nasi padang (really not bad la) 

You failed to irritate me with your delay in giving me the gift I knew you got me, because really, truly, sincerely the company beats every gift. Then you drove me about a little before heading back onto the expressway, and back to school.

You said that you’re going home to nap, I replied that I am going to the lecture to nap. You replied, why don’t you nap now? And I asked, Can I?

Of course, go nap now.

So I grabbed your pillow a little closer to myself and closed my eyes and I settled into bliss. I felt safe, happy, at ease, comfortable, secure, exhilarated to be sitting there napping beside you while you do you manly thing, driving. And just as I was soaked in the moment,
“Bubbly” came through the stereos and I open my eyes and see you reach over to crank up the stereo. I smiled because you know I liked the song too. (if only, you knew why I really liked that song) I hummed along, and you cajoled, “sleep la, still sing song”

So I fell into silence, smiled a little more and pressed the pillow to my stomach a little harder, and enjoyed feeling it start from my toes and going all over me. Bubbly, I am.

p.s : today I was walking behind you, and I thought how broad and strong your shoulders look. i like! hahaha.

***

Reading all these old entries just reminded me of the ‘first love’, the first thrill of being in love. So many ups and downs have happened between these first posts about you, and this post now. But it just reminds me of how far we have come, how faithful God has been to us. Most of all, it is an encouragement to me that there is so much more to explore.. an entire life with you and how God will definitely see us through!

(and for now, I only hope to survive house-searching, and wedding-planning which I have been conveniently putting away by just staring happily at the huge rock on my fourth finger :p)

 

Venice

It is easy to understand why Venice is the dream location for lovers – surrounded and infiltrated by waters, complete with quaint Italian buildings, it seems as if you can get a postcard shot anywhere.

Tourism is perhaps the main source of income for this tiny city (my colleagues and I covered most of the city in 2 days). There are so many hotels – ranging from 1 star to 5 stars along the streets. Simply take a train down to the city and drag your luggage down the streets and start asking for rates of hotel rooms – you will be sure to find one that suits your pocket and taste soon enough. But what really intrigued me about Venice is not its celebrated beauty, neither was it the gondolas and the hot gondoliers, but a little quiet neighbourhood we chanced upon:

This is my favorite photo: old Italian auntie in her PJs at the local cafe, sharing the most exciting gossip!

The postcard shots

Even the food in Italy looks gorgeous

 

And I end off this post with this picture that summarizes my life at the moment – pulling my luggage along, all over the world

 

Glib tongues

I suddenly recall this exchange with Terence on our 2nd Anniversary date. We were talking about the gifts we got for each other.

Anyway, he got me a Return to Tiffany Necklace that comes with a tiny key charm, so he said,

“I wanted to tell you that ‘you have the keys to my heart’”

Without missing a beat, I replied,

“And I am having the time of my life when I am with you”

I gave him a Diesel watch.

sometimes, i think i am soooo good! (: ahahaha